The Importance of Touch

"I will never leave you" God

Realizing the importance of touch is something that can change your life for the better.

You may not be aware of how important experiencing a loving, gentle, caring touch or the lack thereof can impact your life.

Have you ever heard of “failure to thrive babies”? I will explain. In the late 1800’s, 100% of all institutionalized babies were dying. Initially, no one knew why. As doctors reflected and scientists did research, they came to realize that all mammals require nurturing touch in order to survive and thrive. They came to the conclusion that although the institutionalized babies were in a safe environment, fed and changed, they could not live without nurturing touch – gentle, loving touch. They needed to be spoken to, played with, held, and caressed. In general, they needed physical contact with another human being.

I first became aware of this term and situation over 40 years ago when a friend of mine wanted to offer her and her family to be a foster family to a baby. She went to the county hospital in Chicago to get him. She said that there was an entire floor of cribs with these abandoned babies. When she brought him home, I went over to visit. I was shocked to see that although he was one year old, diapers that were made for pre-mature babies were baggy on him. He was so small! When I smiled at him and tried to play with him, he was non-responsive. He just looked at me with a blank stare. It took over a year of my friend, her four children, her husband as well as friends and other family members loving him and playing with him, for him to finally became responsive.

Seeing the effects of lack of touch must have really impacted me because even though I hadn’t thought about it, it came back to my remembrance around 10 years later when I had a business in Gulf Gate Mall.

Most of my clientele were elderly people who came daily. From our interactions, we became like family. I started wondering about how touch affected them. I thought to myself, “If this person has no family, who ever touches him/her, and how does that affect them?” After 9 years, the mall was preparing to close. Instead of leaving quietly, I decided to have a big party with my mall family. It was a great celebration. Everyone was having fun, and then something profound happened to me. One of my regular customers came up to me and said, “Do you know why I’ve been coming here every day for nine years?” I said, "No, why?” Then he said, "Because you were the only person who would smile at me, touch my hand, give me a hug, or pray with me whenever I needed it.”

I was amazed! I never made a conscious effort to do that, and I didn’t realize the impact my small acts of kindness would have on someone. Touch really meant a lot to that person and filled a need I didn’t know he had.

Now, it’s over 30 years later and I am in a new season of life. My husband of 26 years died suddenly 6 years ago. We were best friends and did almost everything together. God was in the center of our marriage, and my husband was a very Godly man who could truly love everyone he met the way God loves them - unconditionally. Fortunately for me, I was the recipient of that kind of love for all those years. I was truly blessed!

After his death, that kind of love and attention was gone. Even though I have family and friends, after the funeral people get busy with their own lives. I am in a season where I am the least busy and they are all in their most busy stages of life. Initially, I was in a very dark place. A place from which it seemed I could not escape. Then I remembered how God had healed my broken heart and restored me after my first husband of 20 years left and we divorced. I realized that God would be the One to deliver me from my current feelings of devastation.

I sought the Lord and He brought me a friend who specializes in helping grieving people. Although she was busy with her life, she took time to speak with me, recommend books for me to read and became my good friend. My family and other friends have consistently done all they could and with God’s help, I came out of the darkness and into the light.

Then, almost two years ago, I started to feel profoundly lonely. I didn’t understand why or what caused it, but after doing research, I realized what it was. I was beginning to suffer the effects of “touch deprivation”. In spite of the fact that I have family and friends and make connections with others through church and other groups, I was not getting the amount of physical touch that my body needed. The term that I had first heard as “failure to thrive” in relation to babies, now has a few different names and refers to adults as well. It is now called “touch deprivation”, “touch starvation” or “skin hunger”. It is a real condition and can impact your life negatively.

Who could have imagined that our bodies were designed to crave touch? Touch deprivation happens when a person receives less physical affection than their nervous system requires to feel safe, regulated and connected. It turns out that our nervous systems were created to need human connection through touch.

It so happens that your skin is the largest organ in the body. I wonder if God created us that way because He knew that we were created to need to be touched and it would be easier to fulfill that need by having the skin be the largest body organ.

Here's what happens in your body when you are touched in a loving, gentle, kind, safe way. The nervous system releases hormones that make us feel good. These hormones make us feel happy, at peace, and connected with others. The opposite is true when we do not get enough good touch. Without adequate touch, we can begin to feel anxious, depressed, or have an inability to sleep. Our bodies go into a stressful mode. Our nervous system releases hormones that can increase our heart rate, blood pressure and even negatively affect our immune system. There are a few groups of people who are susceptible to this condition. Interestingly, two of the groups that are most at risk for suffering from “touch deprivation” are people living alone or in isolation and elderly people, especially those in institutional care.

People living in isolation can include young people. When COVID hit, everyone was encouraged to isolate themselves. Many children were not allowed to go to school. Since that time and currently, we have been seeing more children and young adults with mental health problems. I think that this lack of connectivity with others combined with the increased use of cell phones and their addictive nature, which isolate us, has contributed to this increase in mental health problems. I haven’t done the research concerning young people, but there seems to be a connection. Could our youth also be suffering from touch deprivation?

So now that we understand how a lack of touch can affect our lives negatively, and that we may be in one of the susceptible groups, what can we do about it?

We can start by reflecting on how we feel. If we start to feel the symptoms of touch deprivation: anxiety, depression, uneasiness, feeling overwhelmed or shut down, we can ask ourselves, “Am I missing the amount of touch that my nervous system needs?” If that is the case, what can we do to help ourselves?

Give yourself a big hug;

Ask for a hug;

Shake hands with people;

Associate with and spend time with safe, supportive people, because even being near someone you trust can calm your nervous system;

Wrap yourself in a cozy blanket (wrapping kids in blanket or towel that comes out of the dryer – it feels great and my kids always loved it);

Hug a stuffed animal;

Use a weighted blanket when you go to sleep – it mimics the feeling of a big hug;

Reach out to others to see how you can help them;

Participate in games and conversations with others to increase your human connection;

Tell others about “touch deprivation” and the importance of safe, loving, kind touch – for example, as I have been telling people about it, I have received more physical contact than I ever anticipated, and it feels good.

For myself, in addition to following the above-mentioned suggestions, I was able to get myself two puppies who give me cuddles and love. It's not quite the same as human touch, but they are the most loving puppies I have ever met and I appreciate their presence in my life..

In addition, each of us, as caregivers or just fellow human beings, can be more aware of each other’s needs and do the best we can to give a gentle, compassionate touch. It doesn't have to be much – a touch on the hand, arm or shoulder, or a gentle squeeze. If not a touch, a warm smile or just being present to listen attentively will help.

Here’s an example of this kind of love in action. I was talking to a friend of mine about touch deprivation. She is a caregiver to her mother, who has dementia. Although she is always there to help her mom, after hearing about the importance of touch, she decided to be more deliberate in touching her mom. She purposefully gave her a hug. Her mom enjoyed it so much that now whenever her daughter walks by, she will reach out to her for a hug. It is amazing what a little awareness and action will do for someone.

I believe that now that we know about the importance of touch for all of us, we can all do better to give, request, and receive the amount of loving, safe, gentle touch we need to not only survive, but to thrive.

God bless.